At breakfast with my grandparents this morning, we talked about a family reunion in five years and my grandmother very innocently and jokingly said, “you’ll have three more by then, right?” and I was like, “no, definitely not. Dorian will be 7, that’s what will have happened.” I can’t count the number of times someone has asked me, “when are you going to have number two?” or “are you thinking you’ll have another one?” or even unconsciously mom-guilting me by saying he needs to have someone at home to play with or put him in his place.
Excpt recently, everyone has stopped asking me.
Mostly because they have seen how hard just having the one has been for me. (If you want more on that, go see last week’s post.)
But it is pretty upsetting how many people I have seen on social media and in my mom group (before covid) that are asked that and pressured by their family to have a certain number of kids.
If you’re struggling with the decision, let me break down some pros and cons for you that I have come across in my thoughts, in talking to others, and in my massive amounts of research trying to decide what I should do.
Having Two Kids
This one comes with obvious cons of, now there’s two monsters running wild around the house. You have to do the whole middle of the night wake ups all over. Diapers. Formula. Colic. PLUS having another kid running around while you’re trying to deal with this. There are now two mouths to feed, you may have two in diapers at the same time, and the incessant bickering is probably annoying. But at least they’re not bothering you 24/7.
Because also, now there’s two. So they can entertain each other. And road trips are a little easier because they have each other to talk to. And as my parents have pointed out: At least you know that when you’re gone, they still have each other for family.
I have witnessed this first hand by comparing my childhood with my sisters. Since my sister is 20 years younger than me, she’s basically an only child. I moved out pretty quickly because I got married, and my brother was…you know…a teenage boy. And then he moved out and got married.
We both helped out. But there’s nothing like the relationship my brother and I had. Where we would play with each other and do silly experiments and stupid things, Jae only has my parents. And they’re hard working adults who don’t see the reasoning behind trying to tie an empty wrapping paper tube to your head with a scarf. They just tell her to “stop being silly” when she asks for help doing it. But she’s supposed to be. That’s totally something my brother and I would have tried to figure out together at her age. The only difference is, as an adult I KNOW it’s not going to work. As a kid, I would have problem solved with my brother until we gave up.
Having One Kid
By reading the previous section, you must have realized the con for only having one: You are their only person to play with at home. Only children are notoriously more needy because they don’t have anyone to play with. They can also become snobby and selfish because they don’t have anyone to hit them over the head with a 2×4 when they’re being dumb. (not that that happened to me….)
Having one kid is also obvious in the: there’s only one monster to worry about.
But for me it goes a little deeper.
You don’t have to go through the napping issues again. Or potty training. Or feeding.
There’s only one college tuition.
I am a stickler for fairness. I wouldn’t have to worry about that if I only had one.
If you only have one, you don’t have to worry about splitting up on Saturdays when one kid has soccer and the other has taekwondo.
Look, it’s not my job to talk you into doing one or the other. Because, frankly, it’s not my business. And it’s not anyone else’s either. It’s yours and your partner’s. And you should not feel guilted into going one way or another.
I will likely only have the one. If you’ve read my blog before this post, you know that this has not been an easy journey for me.
I always envisioned myself with two or three little ones. So it’s hard to kind of wrap my head around the knowledge that my mental health might not let me have another. But I’ve also found some silver linings in it.
I love that it’s just me and my guy. I love being solely focussed on him and his wellbeing and my connection to him. I love that I don’t have to split my time with more than one baby and try to figure that whole mess out.
I’m really excited that when I get past a hurdle, I won’t have to deal with it any more. Sleep training? Done. Bottles in the middle of the night? Never again.
When he starts going to school, that’s it. I’ll have time during the day again to work or clean or run errands or volunteer at his school. There won’t be another baby at home for me to be exhausted by.
But, then, I get sad too, because I envisioned him having the connection I have with my brother with his own sibling. I wanted to have a minivan and drive my kids around to all their practices and friends houses and listen to the two of them talking, playing, and even bickering in the back seat, just like my brother and I did.
Why, though, is there this huge pressure to have more than one child?
Everyone likes to tell you that two kids is easier because they can entertain each other. But do you know how many fights my brother and I got into? Do you know how stressful parts of our childhood were for my parents? I remember one time they kept both of us up well past our bedtimes trying to force my brother to apologize to me. I’ve gotten over it though. No really, I’m fine. Seriously. STOP BUGGING ME ABOUT IT ALREADY!
Each choice is going to come with its own challenges and benefits. But you are the only one who gets to decide what choice is right for you.
Each child is different. Each family is different. I know one of my friends already has 2, one is giving birth in a month, and one is going to work on it soon. But I also have a friend who was just fine having only the one. All of those decisions are ok! You want to be the mom with five kids and that makes you excited each time you think about it? Great! You had two and thought, ‘what the hell was I thinking? Definitely done now.’ that’s cool too. Mom of one and you’re like, ‘nope. One and done.’ Awesome.
I’m sure all of your children will turn out amazing. Though, I will tell you that only children will beg you for a little sibling (sometimes even if there are already two). They’ll be fine if they don’t get one. You can’t just bring a baby into the world because someone else (even your current baby) is pressuring you to. If it’s right for your family, great, if it’s not, that’s great too.
So, what about you? You ask?
Am I going to have another baby?
At this point, the answer is ‘no’. I think I’m a one and done kind of gal. It’s a little hard to swallow. But I can’t let the image I had for my life when I was young and not a mom dictate where I go now that I am a mom. I have to do what I think is best not only for my family but Dorian especially. I think he would love to have a sibling. But I don’t think he would love seeing mommy sobbing on the kitchen floor or screaming at him when he’s actually old enough to understand it’s because I’m stressed out because of the baby. That might create a bad relationship. I don’t want anyone to suffer. Me, him, the other baby.
Do what’s right for your family. Not what other people say is right.
Cheers to the messiness of motherhood.
Boy Mom 